What Are Mornings Without Coffee?

They're not complete, in my opinion! Just like a day will never start right for me without saying a prayer of thanks the minute I open my eyes each day.

The kids have gone to school and I'm up as always, looking for something worthwhile to do.

Tuesday, please please be good!

Sad Days, Bad Days

I don't possess super powers so yes ... despite this really positive attitude, I do have my share of sad/bad days. They don't come too often, so I'm still very fortunate. But when they do, they sometimes wear me down to the point of just wanting to withdraw from everything and keep to myself until the feeling goes away. Sometimes it stays only for a short while, other times it decides to go on an unwanted extension. 

It's hardly about my illness, because I have so much to be thankful for in that department. The sad days I have are due mostly to the fact that I'm still mourning my Dad's loss. It's been a little over 4 months, so it's pretty much still fresh. 

At times, I'm thankful he's no longer around, because I know he'll be so stressed out about my breast cancer. Other times (and this is the self-centered me talking), I just really wish he were still with us, regardless of the situation.

A very good friend of the family gave me this advice :

Just allow yourself space ... breathe out negative feelings, breathe in love
Breathe out worry, breathe in trust in God's Divine Mercy
Know that your Dad will always want you to be happy

Being the cry baby that I am, I naturally bawled as soon as I read her message. But it was a good bawl, one big one to finally (hopefully) put an end to this spell.

I guess these moments will always happen at given times, for if it were smooth-sailing all the time, it will be so easy for us to forget to call on God.

To quote one of my favorite songs ...

Just what is it in me, sometimes I just don't know what keeps me in Your love
Why You never let me go
Take me out of the dark, my Lord
I don't wanna be there

I won't allow this entry to end on a sad note. I just want to say that I went to the South today with N and Sabine while Anissa was still in school. We had to pick up some stuff that my Aunt and Uncle sent from the US then we met up with one of my BFFs for a quickie lunch. I had Chicken Inasal again after a long while, plus a huge serving of Sago't Gulaman. Yum yum!!! Too bad the trip proved to be "too far, too soon" for me. As soon as I got home, I was drained! I fell asleep and woke up to the smell of dinner. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to move around more than usual today. It is such a blessing to be recovering beautifully!

Patience Please

It's one of my favorite phrases. I mouth it quietly everytime I find myself in a situation that requires a lot of this virtue. It could be a situation involving N, the kids, the helpers. Anything! I'm a really impatient person by nature. I have a list of pet peeves and these are things that normally press my buttons ... the wrong ones. But I tell you, there is nothing like kids to really test how much patience you have and how far it can stretch.

I've spoken to my children about my illness and how I'm going to need them to cooperate. While Sabine doesn't know exactly what I have (we told her the docs found germs inside Mommy's body and they had to take it out and make sure it doesn't come back), she's fully aware that at this point, Mommy needs to really take it easy. Anissa who's 16, knows every single detail. Nothing kept secret from her. But they're kids and they can't help it sometimes. Without intending to, they continue to "harass" me in ways only my own flesh and blood can. 

Can you imagine being in the middle of a "tug of war"? That's how it feels most of the time. It's like being on one end of a spectrum one minute, and on the opposite end the next. I need to shift from 6-year old to teenager mode back and forth and sometimes it's exhausting! 

The mindsets are totally different from each other, it's easy to get lost in the game. They're also exact opposites in terms of personality. The older one is quiet, withdrawn, keeps to herself most of the time. She will argue and reason out with you (trying very hard not to sound disrespectful) but will hardly slam a door or stomp her feet. The little one is almost the same EXCEPT she will openly show her disappointment and/or sadness when she's reprimanded, to the point of writing what I call a love letter to the offending party (me or N). In these letters, she tells us that she's mad or sad or sorry. 

The strategy I employ for each kid is different. It has to be, because they are so different from each other and their ages are so far apart. This is the only downside I know to having huge age gaps between children. Other than this, it's all good. 

I had to write this to remind me of how blessed I am to have children mature enough to understand the situation we're in. Even if I'm in good spirits all the time, there's no denying the fact : an illness is a catalyst for change. The change can come in many forms ... a strengthened faith, renewed hope, improved outlook. It can also bring about changes in lifestyle, spending and the like. My family is now going through a lot of these changes since the day I was diagnosed with early stage breast cancer. 

Even if I have reason to, I can't always demand understanding from my kids. I have to let them be themselves and not force these drastic changes on them, and not expect them to question or react. The truth is, motherhood is never about letting go of your responsibilities, not even when you face a crisis. 

So, yes ... PATIENCE is something I pray doubly hard for nowadays. 

P.S.

It's the month of the Holy Rosary and also Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Have a productive week ahead!