Milestone : Goodbye, Cigarettes!

I can't believe I'm actually doing it. Today is the 5th day since I kicked this really bad habit. No cheating, not a single puff from anyone else's cigarette, not once. But if you do the math, you'll figure that I still didn't quit immediately after finding out that I have breast cancer. That's how dependent I've been on smoking for the longest time. When my Dad passed away in May, I was almost sure that would drive me to quit. It obviously didn't. In fact, I hung on to the habit even more, using sadness and stress as excuses. 

I took my first ever puff on a cigarette even before I turned 18. But I remember that I began to regularly smoke and buy my own cigarettes when I was in college. It's been this way since then except for the times I was pregnant with my girls. I quit smoking without much fuss but went back as soon as I was done breastfeeding them. 

I couldn't resist using this hahaha!!!

My days have not been the same without smoking. The first 2 days were really bad. I was irritable, I think the people at home were probably thinking I was already going through menopause haha! Seriously, it was that bad. I never thought I'd go through a horrible withdrawal stage. I wasn't prepared for it. At one point, I even found myself crying and feeling sorry for myself for having breast cancer. WHAT????  I couldn't understand why quitting smoking was doing this to me more than finding out I had cancer! It is just so weird! 

Anyway, yesterday was so much more relaxed. In fact, I had lunch with friends who used to smoke. It was the firs time we got together and didn't light up over coffee.  High five!!! 

Fortunately (and oddly), I don't feel the need to chew gum or eat candy. I'm okay with finding a diversion like reading a book or magazine, watching TV or doing stuff on my Macbook to take my mind off smoking especially when I'm at home.

This is not just to prepare myself for surgery next week. It's a permanent move to really be nicotine-free for the rest of my years. My plastic surgeon told me that smoking after breast reconstruction (even after breast augmentation) can be dangerous and can cause problems. The thought of having to deal with this  if I don't listen to her is enough to convince me that it's about time.

I can do this!!!

P.S. My Dad should be soooooo happy!

The Day We Told Sabine

Believe it or not, how to tell our 6-year old about my breast cancer diagnosis was a much bigger problem for me than the illness itself. I had to ask everyone to be quiet around her and avoid asking me questions when she's in the room. I had to think long and hard about the kind of approach I should use. The only thing I was sure about was that I can't totally keep her in the dark about this.

I was lost, I shed a few tears over it while thinking of ways to do it. Then I remembered there was someone (an authority) I could talk to and ask guidance from. I did just that. 

The other night, Neal and I, Anissa on the side looking nonchalant and normal decided to sit Sabine down to tell her. 

"The doctors found yucky germs inside Mommy's body and they need to take them out. So Mommy has to go to the hospital next week and stay for a few days until she's better." 

Really basic, as I was advised by my "coach". We didn't use the C word because she wouldn't have understood. We downgraded everything to her level of understanding. She got it right away. 

What happened? Where did the germs come from? How will the doctors take them out? I always wash my hands so I don't get those germs right? 

But her biggest concern? That Mommy would be away from home for 3-4 days. She's my shadow, you see. We do everything together. Uhmmm ... more like, she insists on doing everything with me. The separation anxiety kicked in at this point and she began to cry. Sabine is not a cry baby. When she does cry, you can be sure the tears are REAL.

ONE. BIG. SIGH

I'm so glad it's all over though. It was such a scary thing to do at first. I was worried about how she would react. Anissa has known from day one because she's old enough and I was able to explain everything to her positively. The little one had to be handled with a lot more caution. 

She recovered from the news quite well. Still asks me every now and then how long I'm going to be away, but minus the tears this time. I'm hoping it won't be so hard for her the day I need to be admitted. That's on Tuesday next week! 

Last Monday ...

It's been a busy week, I almost forgot to say thank you to these girls!

Prayer warriors : Havaianas Division hee hee!

Unfortunately, not everyone could be present at this get-together. The last time this group was complete was ... last year? Next time, next time!

We chose one of our old reliables, Cookbook Kitchen, the original branch in San Juan which is a 10-minute drive from the house.

I would usually order the Parmesan Crusted Fish then rice but this time I opted for something really simple but still one of my favorite dishes 

Pasta Aglio E Olio yum yum!

Sadly, it was "eat and run" for me that day because I had an important meeting at 2pm all the way in Quezon City. I guess I'll see this set of friends again when I'm good to go after my surgery. 

In the meantime, thank you thank you and I love you girls!!!