Reposting ...

I'm reposting this quote because it's appropriate.

Last night was looney night. I refer to my meltdowns as looney moments. Why? Because they hit me without warning, they come from nowhere and at the most unexpected (sometimes most embarassing) times. Looney moments are when I'm suddenly hit with thoughts of my Dad and I start crying uncontrollably. Good thing I was home last night, in bed, and everyone was fast asleep.

I cried for a good 20 minutes, waking N up slightly. When these moments come, I can't hold back. I just have to let it all out. One good cry and then I'm okay again.

That's why I call them Looney moments. It's just so fortunate that today is Sunday and I'm going to church. I'll be able to find comfort there and I'm looking forward to getting some.

Hope you all have a blessed and peaceful Sunday with your loved ones.

I almost forgot to say thank you...

I think it's pretty safe to say that the entire nation is in mourning. 

Weeks ago, when I first heard that Mang Dolphy was in the ICU, I had a bad feeling about it. COPD or Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease is no joke. And for someone his age to be battling with it, was a really scary thought. Let me just say that I never knew him, nor any member of his family. But I guess you don't have to know him to admire or respect him. He was so different from all the others in his league or profession. But because I didn't know him, I have little to say about him.

Except maybe this...

One Sunday many years ago, my family and I walked into Rustan's Makati. Back then, the Ferragamo section was right by the store's entrance. We stopped by that area and found Mang Dolphy trying on shoes. My Dad (who was still an ABS-CBN executive at the time approached him to say hello. My Dad was also a funny guy, he was known for his great sense of humor. He went up to Mang Dolphy and said, "Sir, tirahan mo naman ako. Baka ubusin mo na lahat.". Mang Dolphy laughed when he recognized who was talking to him then replied, "Sir, naka bonus lang po ng konti. Kaya konting shopping din po. Inunahan ko lang kayo kasi baka ako ang maubusan." They laughed together, exchanged a few words, Daddy introduced the rest of us then we said goodbye. That was it. That was my only encounter with the man. Although it lasted no more than 10 or 15 minutes, the impression it left lasted for many years after that. He was genuine, so real. So humble and kind. I saw it in his eyes. I'm sad just like everyone else is. Moreso because I'm also still grieving my Dad's death. I think of Mang Dolphy's children and I cry tears for them. I think of his partner, Zsa Zsa, and I'm reminded of my Mom's pain and I cry for her, too. I know exactly what they're going through. 

While watching all the tributes to him today, culminating in the necrological service at ABS-CBN, I was transported back to those days when my Dad lay in state at Christ The King. I suddenly felt the pain all over again, recalling what it was like for me the day we all went to ABS-CBN for the necrological service they held for my Dad. Then I realized, I had not written about that day yet. 

I might as well do it now to get it over with. I'm feeling sad anyway so I might as well give it a go and then hopefully wake up feeling better later.

My Dad's former staff and colleagues went through a lot of trouble to prepare for his homecoming

It was really bittersweet, seeing everyone he cared for and who cared for and loved him all those years he was part of the ABS-CBN family. Around 2 decades, if memory serves.

Watching the service for Mang Dolphy last night brought me to tears because memories of this day came rushing back

We were extremely overwhelmed by the show of love and support from all

Angeline Quinto sang a beautiful "Tanging Yaman", one of my favorite church songs

It wasn't easy getting up on that stage to talk about my Dad. I smiled one minute and cried the next.

It's been close to 2 months since I lost my first love. I'm not sure what to say about the pain. It's like a dull headache that won't go away, that's for sure. But everyday, it gets just a tiny bit better. I thank God for the gift of acceptance and strength, as I face each day without Daddy by my side, as I struggle to answer my little girl's questions about Lolo and if he will ever come back to us, as I look at my eldest child and wonder if in her silence she's alright, as I watch my Mom deal with her pain and my brother with his.

Life isn't the same, but it goes on.

I miss you so much, Daddy.

I Finally Have It

This poem has been on my mind but I couldn't remember the words so I couldn't look it up. My aunt, a very close and really good friend of the family for so many years now, sent me a message yesterday plus a copy of the poem. Hooray for great minds that think alike!

I swear I can hear my Dad's voice while reading it

My Dad Is A Butterfly

I have heard many stories from people I know, about butterflies and spirits. Many say that right after a loved one passes, he/she usually returns in the form of a butterfly. It could also be a bird, but the butterfly is most common. I have experienced this with my mother-in-law. Sometimes a butterfly shows up at our patio at home when a special occasion is at hand (her birthday or death anniversary). Otherwise, I don't see any butterflies around my home at all. So I know that the butterfly is really her (rest in peace, Mommy). 

Yesterday, I was at the venue where the mass and dinner for my Dad's 40th day was to be held. It was right after lunch and I went there to personally oversee the setting up of the place. I stayed in one place while watching. Suddenly, a huge brown butterfly came from behind me. It hovered over me for about 10 seconds then landed right next to me, on the sliding door by which I stood. It stayed there the whole time I stood there. And when I decided to walk into the function room, it followed me for a while before it decided to fly around the room. 

First thought? It was Daddy, of course. I had never ever seen a butterfly so huge. No, I didn't cry. It felt so calming, in fact. Call me looney but I spoke to the butterfly briefly while it was next to me. I just had to, because I was so confident it was him trying to tell me, "I'm still around, baby girl..."

Awwwww, Daddy. I miss you everyday, all the time. I will miss you forever until the day I see you again. But thank you for dropping by yesterday and for making me feel your presence, even if it's not really the same as having you around physically. 

You're with me everywhere I go, in my heart of hearts.

I love you, Daddy. No one will ever come close.

Finally, Daddy!

I've been wondering why my Dad has never appeared to me in my dreams nor made his presence felt. My Mom and my brother both have stories of their own to tell and I've been waiting eagerly to be able to share something, too. Nothing. In fact, I was starting to make tampo that he seemed to be ignoring me. Friends and family members told me "he's not worried about you because he knows how strong you are".  My argument was, but I'm his little girl, how can he not want to tell me anything???

Almost 3 weeks after his death, I finally SERIOUSLY felt his spirit, his presence. 

Last Thursday, I was alone in my walk-in closet/bathroom when I decided to talk to him. I told him about my immediate plans of going back to full time corporate work. I've been waiting to her from one prospect with whom I last interviewed just days after his cremation but there was no word just yet. I was beginning to feel anxious about it and I asked him to help me out. In my talk with him, I told him how working full time again will help keep my mind off the loneliness, hence, the strong desire to go back to my previous life, the one which I left almost 2 years ago. 

Soon after that, I was off to lunch with my girlfriends. I felt extra sad that day. It was one of them "bad" days when all of us (Mom, brother and I) woke up crying. But my friends convinced me to go to our lunch because they wanted me to shake this feeling off. 

Not even halfway through lunch, my cellphone rang. It was an unknown number. My first thought was it could be someone Daddy knew who had just found out about his passing and wanted to confirm it with me. I excused myself from the group and took the call. 

It was my headhunter calling about the job prospect I had been waiting to hear from! The person on the other line wanted to let me know that their client was ready to see me again, this time for one final talk, next week. I was beside myself with disbelief. My wish for my Dad to make his presence felt came true. I can't ask for anything better than this because this is just so him, to want to take care of my needs and to look after me this way. I felt like a little girl again because this is how he treated me when he was still around, always wanting to be in control of things and making things happen for me. 

I shared this to my Mom and brother right away and they were both so happy to hear how Daddy has helped me. There are still no guarantees as far as the job prospect is concerned though. For now I'm just really happy that I got the chance to feel him around me again. 

Thank you, Daddy ... as always. You still have my back even from where you are. 

I'll always be Daddy's Girl.

When God Speaks...

I was at church yesterday and had to hold back my tears when this message was shared

Brokenness is God showing us through the circumstances of our lives that we are nothing without HIM. It is the realization that HE alone is enough. Tough times are no accidents, for they are designed for our good. (Rom 8:28)

I was immediately filled with so much awe because I knew in my heart that God was speaking to me. The pain of losing my father 2 weeks ago is still very much felt as I go about my everyday life. And here was God trying to reassure me that something good will come out of this huge loss. 

Seriously speaking, despite the tears I shed everyday while missing my Dad, I have been able to see clearly, all the good that is happening around me. Friends and family have not stopped caring for us, certain things we were in the dark about are starting to reveal themselves one by one. I just know that this is all God's work and I truly feel it. 

Thank you, dear Lord, for holding us all in Your arms and making us feel Your undeniable presence despite all the hurt and sadness we feel. I'm convinced that my father now rests in Your care, the best care anyone could have. Please continue to guide us with your wisdom and touch our broken hearts with Your  love. 

Wishing everyone a good week ahead.

It's Been 2 Weeks

Well, almost ...

I've been on a roller coaster ride for the past how many days and although I'm addicted to real-life thrill rides, this is one ride I'm not enjoying at all. People say I have no choice but to stay on it until I'm ready to get off. I agree. I don't want to grieve improperly because I know it will backfire one day. I want to give myself time to cry, to be bitter, to be angry. Fortunately for me, the anger and bitterness left me even before we cremated my Dad. I was angry, like anyone would be, in the situation we were put in. No goodbyes? Who wouldn't be angry about that? But I prayed so hard for God to take those feelings away. I didn't want them in my system. I wanted to be sad, not mad. Sad was more acceptable and sadness is so much easier to hold in your heart than anger. 

Today, almost 2 weeks after Daddy passed, I have no anger at all. Does that mean I've accepted his (unexpected) death? Maybe. There are moments when I still find it so hard to believe that he's gone. I wait for that "good morning" text to come at around 6am everyday. I wait for him to make those phone calls to the house 3x a day to talk to the kids. I wait for him to let me know where dinner will be on Sunday.

It's a long and bumpy road I'm on but I definitely see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just not sure when I'll get to it. God has sent so many people to be with us as we mourn. Angels on earth who have helped us deal with all the pain we feel and for that I continue to be thankful. 

DAD

I finally found some time (and courage) to write. The past week has been a blur. At 43 and 41 years old respectively, my brother and I are officially fatherless, my Mom is a widow at 62, my children have lost their first love, N has lost the person he looked to as his 2nd Dad. 

Dad is gone. I can't believe I'm "saying" that. 

I can't believe I'm never going to see him.

I can't believe I'm never going to hear his voice.

I can't believe that all our special occasions will be celebrated without him, our official party organizer.

I can't believe I'll walk into his condo from now on and not hear the TV blaring from his room.

I can't believe I've stopped getting my morning text messages (always the first everyday) from him. 

I can't believe he will no longer comment jokingly on my Facebook posts.

I can't believe he's gone ... just like that.

I still feel like he was snatched away without warning. He wasn't sick. There was nothing about his health that gave us reason to worry or expect the inevitable. Death came to him like the proverbial thief in the night. I woke up Saturday after 4am to my cellphone which was ringing. It was his number, so I immediately thought he was calling about an emergency relating to my Mom. But it was my Mom's voice on the other end of the line, that told me to get dressed and run to The Medical City. She didn't say much, she probably wanted to keep it to herself first and not add to my stress. When N and I arrived at TMC's emergency room, I found my Dad being revived by the doctors. My knees turned to jello, I fell to the floor in tears. This was not what I expected to see. Not my Dad. He was always so in control, and now his life was in the hands of all these doctors who were working desperately to resuscitate him. I felt helpless because he looked so helpless. I had never seen my Dad so helpless before in my life. It was the worst day and I still haven't been able to shake that image off. 

Pretty soon, the doctors called it. Scenes from Grey's Anatomy kept flashing in my head. Time of death 5:34 am I had never known what it's like to be in shock until then. It's as if time stood still, as still as my Dad's body on that hospital gurney. As still as the entire room was after he was declared dead. I never left his side until the people from the funeral service we called arrived to claim his remains. At the morgue, I sat there, staring at the lifeless body wrapped and tied with plastic. There were no tears. I just kept staring at it and wondering what had just happened. One minute, he was so full of life and then this. I don't know where all that strength came from, not at that time. But I stayed there and didn't leave.

The next 4 days did not give me much time to grieve, except when I would get home late from the wake. I'd cry for a few minutes, then fall asleep. In the morning, I'd cry a little again before heading to Christ The King to face the day's responsibilities. I had little time to cry there because of all the people who kept us busy by condoling with us and paying their respects. Daddy was so well-loved not just by friends and family, but by the industry where he spent so many years.

At the necrological service put together by ABS-CBN, his former home, one of his former subordinates and now Congressman Angelo Palmones, apologized to us for taking him away from us all those years he was working for the network. They all knew that he spent more time in the office than with his family. He was an excellent provider, but he was mostly an absentee husband and father. He, however, more than made up for all of that after his retirement some 10 or so years ago. We basked in the time he finally had for all of us. 

I still find it hard to do this, to write about how he went and how sad we all are that he's gone. 

Today is his 9th day. I can't believe I survived a whole week not hearing his voice or seeing him. Today is the first Sunday after his cremation that we are gathering for our usual family dinner without him. I woke up in tears today when I remembered this. I've been on the worst roller coaster ride of my life since May 19, the day he passed. I'm not enjoying it at all but I'm on it and I've accepted that I will be on this coaster for a while. I get my strength from my Mom and my brother, from N, my kids and from the many beautiful memories my father left behind for me to cherish. 

He may be gone but I'll always be a Daddy's Girl. I'll always be the daughter he raised to be strong, opinionated, one who values character over reputation, one who believes that integrity is the best kind of wealth a person can ever have. 

I had an amazing father for 43 years and despite the sadness that envelopes me right now (and will probably stay with me for the rest of my life), I am truly thankful for all that he was to me and especially to N and my children. 

Daddy ... when you were still around, there was never a time that I didn't say goodbye to you. I always had to give you a kiss each time we parted ways. To do otherwise was unthinkable. I guess that's where most of my sadness is coming from now. I wasn't given the chance to do the thing I had always reminded myself not to forget to do all these years. But I'm not mad at you, I can never be. God, in His own majestic way, has shown me little by little, why things had to happen this way. So while I hurt inside because you left us without warning, a part of me feels truly blessed that you were spared from any kind of pain. That would have broken my heart even more I know. Like I said in my eulogy, you raised me/us well. You can take comfort in knowing that your spirit and values live in me. You were always my hero, my rock, my safety net. But nothing lasts forever and it's my turn to be all of those to the rest of the family. I will not disappoint you, Dad. What I am today, I owe to you and Mama. You will continue to be proud of me from the happy place you're in. Remember what I whispered to you before I let you go? Thank you, Daddy, for everything. For the comfortable life, for giving me everything I asked for and more, for loving me even in silence, anger and disappointment, for being the best grandfather my kids could ever have known and the most loving and understanding father-in-law to Neal. Thank you for being everything that you were to me. I'll continue to look up to you for all that you've done to touch so many lives. I'll always love you with the kind of love only you deserve, from a daughter who thought the world of you. Now go and be happy, because in spite of the pain we all feel from losing you unexpectedly, we will hang on to each other for strength. I promise that soon, I'll remember you only with happy tears.