Thank you, Universe

You will lose things you can't imagine losing

And you will find things you never thought you would find

No doubt the universe is unfolding exactly as it should

Even if it is unclear to you at the time

I came across this today so I just had to share

I've had two consecutive "good days" so far. I define my "good days" as cry-free days. It doesn't mean I'm missing my Dad less. It probably means I'm getting better at handling his loss. 

When I hit another "bad day", I will have the above quote to read and remind me that I can't have it good all the time, but the Universe is definitely still on my side.

When God Speaks...

I was at church yesterday and had to hold back my tears when this message was shared

Brokenness is God showing us through the circumstances of our lives that we are nothing without HIM. It is the realization that HE alone is enough. Tough times are no accidents, for they are designed for our good. (Rom 8:28)

I was immediately filled with so much awe because I knew in my heart that God was speaking to me. The pain of losing my father 2 weeks ago is still very much felt as I go about my everyday life. And here was God trying to reassure me that something good will come out of this huge loss. 

Seriously speaking, despite the tears I shed everyday while missing my Dad, I have been able to see clearly, all the good that is happening around me. Friends and family have not stopped caring for us, certain things we were in the dark about are starting to reveal themselves one by one. I just know that this is all God's work and I truly feel it. 

Thank you, dear Lord, for holding us all in Your arms and making us feel Your undeniable presence despite all the hurt and sadness we feel. I'm convinced that my father now rests in Your care, the best care anyone could have. Please continue to guide us with your wisdom and touch our broken hearts with Your  love. 

Wishing everyone a good week ahead.

It's Been 2 Weeks

Well, almost ...

I've been on a roller coaster ride for the past how many days and although I'm addicted to real-life thrill rides, this is one ride I'm not enjoying at all. People say I have no choice but to stay on it until I'm ready to get off. I agree. I don't want to grieve improperly because I know it will backfire one day. I want to give myself time to cry, to be bitter, to be angry. Fortunately for me, the anger and bitterness left me even before we cremated my Dad. I was angry, like anyone would be, in the situation we were put in. No goodbyes? Who wouldn't be angry about that? But I prayed so hard for God to take those feelings away. I didn't want them in my system. I wanted to be sad, not mad. Sad was more acceptable and sadness is so much easier to hold in your heart than anger. 

Today, almost 2 weeks after Daddy passed, I have no anger at all. Does that mean I've accepted his (unexpected) death? Maybe. There are moments when I still find it so hard to believe that he's gone. I wait for that "good morning" text to come at around 6am everyday. I wait for him to make those phone calls to the house 3x a day to talk to the kids. I wait for him to let me know where dinner will be on Sunday.

It's a long and bumpy road I'm on but I definitely see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just not sure when I'll get to it. God has sent so many people to be with us as we mourn. Angels on earth who have helped us deal with all the pain we feel and for that I continue to be thankful.