I chanced upon this on the wall of one of my Facebook friends :
Parents keep children out of danger, harm, but must never interfere with their being. Let them be. Biggest mistake is when you "help" your children. You prevent them from dealing with your own problems. - Osho
I remember being asked by a friend before, "How do you know when you're not supposed to do anything for them? What if they ask for help?". I didn't think it was strange that a Mom was asking me this, because at the time her daughter was just a toddler and Anissa was already 13. She was clueless, far away from the stage where enjoying motherhood is no longer a 24/7 thing. I hope I didn't make it sound so bad. Haha. I mean, when you're kids are growing up and begin to have minds of their own, this is really when all the headaches, the hurts, the frustrations start to be part of your daily routine. It's no longer just cute stuff and that's me being totally honest.
I've had a few experiences with Anissa which tested my ability as a mother, to be able to let go and not interfere in her growth. She would run to me for advice and tell me if she was afraid or anxious about anything. In the course of the discussion, I would know (even if she didn't say it outright) when she was actually asking me to step in and do something for her. At this point, I would usually stop and think for a while. Then when I realize that it shouldn't be up to me, I kinda mouth a really short prayer ... something like, "Dear Lord, I need to let go. Help!". I have to do that because letting go is really one of, if not the HARDEST thing to do as a parent --- in any situation! If we could only do everything for our children, we would. That applies to all parents. If we had a choice, our kids would just sit back and watch us fix everything for them. It's in our nature to do it, right?
But I strongly believe that if we don't realize the importance of letting go when we have to, we'll all deal with a boomerang many many years later. The failure to teach our children to fight their own battles will backfire on us like anything. You don't want to deal with something as huge as this when you're old and gray and in retirement, diba? I can't imagine having parenting issues when I'm in my 60s. Please, no!!!
So yeah, while it's hard, I constantly remind myself that it's the right thing, that I'm doing it for my kid's sake and that she will benefit from it later on. I just make sure I'm but a few "steps" away, so in case she needs immediate guidance, I'm right there to help.
Interesting, really. Define "help", Mommies?
Letting go has never been easy. I remember that time when my eldest daughter told me that she wanted to go home on her own from the province where we originally live before she turned 16 and I let her do it. Since she was the eldest, her siblings took after her. Now all my seven kids know their way home before they even they reaced 16. It was crazy because the minute they leave I will not be fully rested the minute they text telling me they got home safe.
ReplyDeleteKids'issues grow proportionally as they age.More often I encourage my kids to be independent because I will not be there for them all the time.At the end of the day if things do not work out right, I will always be there to listen and pray that the next time they head out for the door and feel they are old enough to decide for themselves, that the door will always be left open, waiting for their return.
Thanks, Sarah. I like what you said ... "...that door will always be left oopen, waiting for their return". What a struggle it is for parents (I think for mothers, most especially) to learn to let go of their children. We know that it's best for them and yet it feels painful to do it. There's so much fear and uncertainty that go with letting go of our children. The only way to counteract it is to PRAY for them all the time! Have a good week ahead.
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