The Senti Mommy

Feeling just a little sentimental on this quiet Saturday morning, while N is busy downstairs (with his toolbox, most likely) and Sabine is sleeping soundly beside me on the bed. This is 'cause Anissa is on her way to the airport with her best friend's family, her best friend and another very good friend. Their flight for Bacolod leaves at 10:45, more than an hour from now. 

She just turned 17, but this isn't the first time she's off on her own to spend a few days at her BFF's home in the South. She's not allowed to go this far elsewhere without us though. This is an exception I've made twice so far because I know she's always in good hands when she's with these people. Otherwise, I would really have 2nd or 3rd thoughts. 

I was really serious about my Facebook status yesterday : 

Anissa will be off to Bacolod with her friends tomorrow and I have an afternoon date with my clingy, "I-always-want-to-be-with-you-Mommy" Sabine. Two ends of the spectrum in my face. TGIF!

One would rather be with friends, the other would have herself glued to my b*tt if that were possible. I'm thankful though, that I have 2 kids and that they're 10 years apart. I'd be so lonely if they were both in their teens and busy with their own lives in their own worlds. It would just be so sad hahaha. 

Oh noes ... I wonder what it would be like for me on their wedding day. Erase erase muna! 

As I type, I see a tweet from Anissa saying that they're already on their way to the airport (from her bff's house). I'm going to have to let go of the laptop soon and pray for a safe flight for all of them. While Sabine continues to quietly snore next to me. 

It's going to be a worrisome 5 days while Anissa's vacationing in beautiful Bacolod. But that's all part of the deal ... parenthood (or motherhood to be specific), I mean. You let go and then you worry. You worry all the time because that's how much you love them. You wish you could keep them close forever, but you can't. It just doesn't work that way. My friends with children older than Anissa always tell me ... it never ends. You worry forever because you're a mother.

God help me hihihi (super mega nervous laughter)!

P.S. These senti moments seem to be coming more frequently these days. AGE!

Let's all have fun and be merry this weekend, shall we?

Interesting Quote on Parenting

I chanced upon this on the wall of one of my Facebook friends : 

Parents keep children out of danger, harm, but must never interfere with their being. Let them be. Biggest mistake is when you "help" your children. You prevent them from dealing with your own problems. - Osho

I remember being asked by a friend before, "How do you know when you're not supposed to do anything for them? What if they ask for help?". I didn't think it was strange that a Mom was asking me this, because at the time her daughter was just a toddler and Anissa was already 13. She was clueless, far away from the stage where enjoying motherhood is no longer a 24/7 thing. I hope I didn't make it sound so bad. Haha. I mean, when you're kids are growing up and begin to have minds of their own, this is really when all the headaches, the hurts, the frustrations start to be part of your daily routine. It's no longer just cute stuff and that's me being totally honest. 

I've had a few experiences with Anissa which tested my ability as a mother, to be able to let go and not interfere in her growth. She would run to me for advice and tell me if she was afraid or anxious about anything. In the course of the discussion, I would know (even if she didn't say it outright) when she was actually asking me to step in and do something for her. At this point, I would usually stop and think for a while. Then when I realize that it shouldn't be up to me, I kinda mouth a really short prayer ... something like, "Dear Lord, I need to let go. Help!". I have to do that because letting go is really one of, if not the HARDEST thing to do as a parent --- in any situation! If we could only do everything for our children, we would. That applies to all parents. If we had a choice, our kids would just sit back and watch us fix everything for them. It's in our nature to do it, right? 

But I strongly believe that if we don't realize the importance of letting go when we have to, we'll all deal with a boomerang many many years later. The failure to teach our children to fight their own battles will backfire on us like anything. You don't want to deal with something as huge as this when you're old and gray and in retirement, diba? I can't imagine having parenting issues when I'm in my 60s. Please, no!!!

So yeah, while it's hard, I constantly remind myself that it's the right thing, that I'm doing it for my kid's sake and that she will benefit from it later on. I just make sure I'm but a few "steps" away, so in case she needs immediate guidance, I'm right there to help. 

Interesting, really. Define "help", Mommies? 

Mommy Challenge : What's a good reward system for our kids?

It's report card season! I claimed Sabine's report card yesterday and Anissa's today. Each child is different in terms of strengths (i.e., favorite subjects) and study habits. Needless to say, my strategy for each child is different too, given the age difference.

Do you have a reward system for your children? I have a friend whose system has been in place since her kids were in grade school. It's a year-long (school year, in this case) thing for them starting from the 1st quarter all the way to when the school year finally comes to a close. I never really had the time to do something as detailed as this. 

Mine is really simple. You get good grades, I give you a reward. You show me bad grades --- moreso if I know they're bad because you didn't try hard enough and/or was distracted by other, less important things --- you don't get a reward PLUS I take something away. Nothing material, more like a privilege that I know you'll have a difficult time being without. How long does the "punishment" last? It really depends. At the very least, until I see some improvement in grades or in attitude. 

How many of you do or will do the same with your children when the time comes?

My friend's system works this way : every grade in the report card corresponds to a certain amount of money. In their case, the kids' school use the letter system, that's why it was easier for her to peg an amount. If I remember correctly, her table looked like this:

A - 100

Am - 80

B - 60

Bm - 50

C - 40

Cm and below - kid gets nada plus an earful, I think hahaha!

She says she does this so that the kid realizes that, "Hey, I didn't get any money for my Math grade this quarter! I need to push push push!". Do you agree to this system? I see a few disadvantages, which I'd rather not elaborate on, given that we do what we think is best for our kids and shouldn't criticize the next parent for implementing something else. If this works for her, that's perfectly alright.

In my case, I don't feel the need to use money too much as incentive. Maybe it can be used in some cases, like maybe for college-aged kids? Then again, do you really need a super OC incentive program for your college student? I don't think so hee hee. 

For me, it's the bottomline that counts. And what's the bottomline? 

The grade itself is not the only thing I look at, it's largely HOW you got it. If you got a D because you really are not good at this particular subject and it isn't one of your strengths, I won't punish you for it. I'll HELP you get to where you need to be. But if your D is there because ... (a) you spend more time on the phone than with your books, (b) you didn't try hard enough and just threw in the "bahala na si Batman" attitude or (c) BOTH, then you definitely get some sort of punishment from me until you shape up.

I think it's also important to consider your child's age. I believe the rules shouldn't be as stringent with younger kids. I'm really careful about not putting too much pressure on my 7-year old.

If you don't have a reward system yet, think about what kind would work for you.

Good luck, Mommies!

Mommy Challenge : Raising a Teen

I don't recall everything about my teenage years. All I know is that it was (obviously) so different back then. Things like reasoning out to your parents was totally unacceptable, even if you use the calmest and most respectful tone and approach. Children were simply not to be heard from. It was our duty to obey, without questioning. Back then, when you ask your Dad or Mom why you're not allowed to go to a party, they simply replied, "Because I said so!" and that was it, end of discussion. These days, telling that to your teenager is like asking for it. It's tantamount to opening Pandora's Box. You can expect that a never-ending discussion will follow. 

I have a 16-year old daughter. She turns 17 in a couple of months. She is at the peak of her teenage life. Although somewhat of a late bloomer in other aspects (I thank God for this), she is every inch your typical teenager. When at home, she is locked up in her room wearing her headphones and listening to music, practicing a dance routine for a performance or competition, chatting online with her friends, on the phone or asleep. She reappears only when it's time to eat. As soon as she's done, she excuses herself and retreats into her "cave" again, until it's time for the next meal. Is this scenario familiar to other parents of teens? I'm sure it is. My own Mom says I had the habit of keeping to myself in my room too, at this age. The only difference is I didn't have too many options as far as what to do was concerned. The internet didn't exist, no cellphones either. There were only 6-8 channels on TV. I think most of my time was spent on the phone, that is, until someone else had to use it. 

Other than these frequent "disappearing acts", there's the attitude issue. TEEN ANGST. 

Urban Dictionary defines Teen Angst as : 

When teenagers, for any number of reasons combined with their hormones and stress from school, get depressed. Contrary to popular belief, some teenagers actually do have it rough and have to deal with sh*t most adults don't have to. Other teens don't and just like to pretend they do.

Hahaha! I have a strong feeling this was written by someone who's going through it, or has just gotten out of this stage. Here's another one that's obviously by someone much older, maybe a parent like myself? 

A very serious non-existent mental condition that medical doctors tend to confuse for bi-polar disorder. Solely giving teens a reason to b*tch and moan about nothing important.

Anyway, why am I writing about this today? Ahhhh because you see, I'm realizing that this is my biggest challenge as a parent right now. It's really no joke having to deal with this on a daily basis. It sometimes tends to take the wind out of your sails and can leave you speechless and staring into empty space for long periods. Most of the time, you question your own parenting skills. I do this quite often, especially when I'm alone, right after a "discussion" with my teenager. I've been accused of saying hurtful words out of frustration. This, no matter how cautious I am about my approach. I'm really honest and not fond of the sugar coating technique. But with my teenager, I come across as intentionally hurtful (see Teen Angst definition please). And it goes on and on and on like the Energizer Bunny, without direction. Oh ... there IS direction, forgive me. It goes around and around and around until one of us gets tired and throws in the towel. Most of the time, it's me. (I'm sure if she sees this, she'll go ballistic and say it's she who always has to give up)

So the next question would probably be ... what does a parent do? 

My biggest parenting motto has always been : Hate me now, thank me later. 

While it hurts me to the core to see my kids get hurt --- regardless of who causes it --- I'm also a firm believer in building a solid foundation for them. What's most important to me is when they're old enough to be let go of, they'll have a chestful of values and lessons to take with them. When my time is up and I have to permanently leave this earthly world, will I be able to rest well, knowing that I've done my part to fully-equip my children for the many years they will have to live without me or their Dads? Even if I don't know when this is all going to happen, I'm already so obsessed about it. 

I'd rather hold the Bad Cop title than regret anything when my children are a lot older. They can hate me all they want while they're growing up, because they don't agree with my parenting style. But I know in my heart that one day, they'll thank me for everything I've taught them, regardless of all the tears they cried out of frustration for having a Mom who constantly nagged them about always doing the right things. 

How I sometimes wish I could fast forward to that day. Then again, that would mean I would have grandchildren haha! It's so true, though. I believe I only began to truly value my own mother when I gave birth to Anissa. Mom waited so long for us to be friends but I'm sure time flew by so quickly for her. One day, I know Anissa and I will be the same. My Mom and I are the best of friends today. I can hardly wait.

Hopefully, when my second round starts (I still have a 6-year old, remember?), I'll be such an expert I'll be doing this with my eyes closed. Fingers crossed!

Do I see other Mommies nodding their heads and raising their hands? Speak up if you're one of them!

My Heart Melted

I asked one of my best girlfriends to look for this book. I wanted Sabine to have it. Despite having explained breast cancer to her, I wasn't so sure she understood everything. This book would be able to "discuss" it with her the way she would grasp it best. The book arrived today (thank you, Ninang Chiqui!!!) and I had Sabine read it right away and she excitedly did.

Moments later, I was surprised when she handed me a piece of paper with doodle on it. Not surprised that she made something because writing and drawing are what she always does when she feels like expressing herself. I was surprised because she did it in reaction to what she just read.

Awwwwww! 

The drawing is much bigger than this but this is the part that touched me the most. Who would think that a 6-year old did this? Well, yeah ... the drawing of me is a slight giveaway hehehe. But she really is mature for her age. I don't know what prompted her to assure me of her presence but it's just so wonderful that she did. I particularly love the "Praise God" part. She told me that she learned this in Sunday School. Clap clap clap!

This is one of the best feelings ever! When my child tells me how much she loves me, it just totally erases every bit of bad vibe in my body. Not that I have a lot but Mommies, you know what I'm driving at, right? Sigh. I'm just so thankful because this really convinces me that my children are stronger than I think. I really shouldn't underestimate them. Then again, I'm a Mom and my job is to worry about them constantly. 

Masarap na mahirap ang maging isang magulang. Agree? 

Prom Mom

Life didn't stop just because I was diagnosed with (breast) cancer. That's probably the worst part of getting sick, for some people. It's having to deal with the illness on top of all your other "things to do". In my case, I'm just so happy that I had to be confined just once and that was it. My chemo treatments are all out-patient, so except for the brief downtime, I always feel okay and go back to regular routines in no time. 

Anissa's 16 and a high school junior, hence, the title of this entry. She'll be having her prom in February and we are slowly busying ourselves with the preps. I signed up to be part of the PHCT (Parent-Homeroom Collaboration Team) this year, mainly because of the Prom. I've never been a Batch Parent Rep(resentative) before because work was already too much. I wanted all my free time to be for the family. This time though, I have no excuse not to be involved ... especially because the Prom is such an exciting milestone! 

The dress, the hair and make-up and oh ... the date! We still don't have a date up to now. That's largely due to the fact that Anissa is not your typical party-going teenager. Her world has been all about school and dance and all her dance friends. She's slightly panicking about not having one but is hopeful about it. Anyway, last resort could be any one of my friends' boys hee hee. Wish us luck! 

This is such a bittersweet time for a Mom like me. I'm totally excited for her to go and yet ... it just tells me how grown-up she's become! In a little over a year, she'll be 18, officially an adult! I'll cross that sad bridge when I get there, though.

In the meantime, back to preps and finding the right people to do the Prom photos and video/s because that's the specific committee I'm in! 

Hope you all have a safe Tuesday! 

P.S. My thoughts are with our brothers and sisters in Visayas and Mindanao, for their safety from super Typhoon Pablo. Lord, please take over. 

Drama Drama Drama

Sabine and I have an agreement. Every Friday after school, she can pass by Jollibee or McDonald's to buy merienda before going home. She came home today, her face so sad because she wanted to buy a cheeseburger and fries. But it's Thursday, so Yayay told her to wait until tomorrow.

This didn't sit well with her and she whined until she got home. When she saw me, she whined and complained some more. I had to put my foot down even if my heart wanted to give in. It's something I need to do each time, no matter how difficult it is to say "no" to my kids. 

She cried and whined and cried and whined. She eventually walked out of the Master's bedroom when she couldn't get my attention. I totally ignored her while she cried and sniffed. I didn't follow her to the other room when she left.

Maybe around 10 minutes later, she walked back into my room and gave me this

HAHAHA!!!

This is the cutest! I had to bite my lips to keep from laughing because she would've gotten more upset. 

And at that point I was so tempted to hug her and end the war but I didn't. Instead, I asked her to come to me instead (I'm still the boss, am I not?) so we could talk. We did and after a few failed attempts to get me to concede, we finally made peace. 

Can she be 6 years old forever? Anissa keeps asking the same question. :) 

A Tantrum at 6am

Sabine rarely throws a tantrum. I guess she woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I was surprised to hear her crying loudly so I went inside the girls' room to check. There she was, sprawled on the floor, tears running down her face. It's PE day and she was already wearing her t-shirt and jogging pants but refused to put on her rubber shoes. According to her, they were tight. They're newly-bought but she already wore them to school yesterday and didn't complain. So I knew this was nothing more than an early morning tantrum. I tried to exercise some patience because this doesn't happen all the time. To cut a long story short, here's what happened ... 

I solved the problem by telling her she's not going to school. Naturally and as expected, an even bigger tantrum ensued. She loves going to school. But we've been working on getting the girls to school on time and it wouldn't have helped if she went to school tardy again today. 

After around 15 minutes of crying non-stop (actually, bawling is more like it), she finally settled down and agreed to eat breakfast. I asked the helper to bring breakfast upstairs and allowed her to watch Disney Junior as she ate. 

I already texted the class adviser about letting us know if she needs to do make-up work for missing school today. I don't think her absence will create a huge dent on her class standing because her 1st term grades were all good. 

After a difficult day yesterday, I prayed for a much better one today. I think it already is, because this little one will be keeping me company the whole time. 

Disciplining With Love

I had an interesting day today. It was busier than most days. I was up at before 6am, was out of the house by 8 and in my first appointment by 9am. After an hour and a few minutes spent at Starbucks, I was rushing home to cook lunch. 

I lay in bed after lunch and fell asleep while watching the pilot episode of VEEP (I've missed Julia Louis-Dreyfus since "The Adventures of Old Christine" ended). 

Pretty soon, I was up again and getting ready for a work-related event somewhere at The Fort. Too bad I only stayed an hour at the talk, just as it was getting to be so interesting. I had to get up and leave because Anissa had to be picked up from training and I still had to cook dinner. I swear, by 6pm, I felt the same way I did when I was still working full-time.

The Francis Magalona Foundation's sister group and partner, The OneCORE's Coach Pia Nazareno-Acevedo spoke to GE Philippines employees and shared her knowledge on relationships. To be specific, the afternoon's topic was DISCIPLINING WITH LOVE.

It will take more than one blog post to share the things I learned in the one hour I sat there but I made sure to take the following photos to share to all you parents out there

Coach Pia showed this slide which illustrates the recommended amount of time a parent should be spending with his/her child/children, spouse, on work or with friends. Really interesting.

This next slide is more specific and shows a typical week for most parents. Note that it also includes time for oneself. 

Plan your time with your kids by mapping out the kind of activities you want to do with them. It should keep you focused plus you don't waste time thinking of what to do. 

See if you can do the same (I know I will). And let me know if it works for you. 

It's Wednesay and we're halfway through the week! 

Hang in there, folks!

Tiger Mom?

Before Sabine was born, I never had to deal with a tantrum. Anissa was such a quiet child. She would sit still and never fuss. The tantrum experience was alien to me until Sabine came along. No, she's not a brat. She's spoiled, but not spoiled rotten. But between my girls, she's the feisty one. She's the one who, at this very young age of 5, reasons out and asks questions. She has difficulty taking "no" for an answer, whereas Anissa would stop at two attempts to change my mind and then just march off to her room and sulk.

For the first time in a while, Sabine had a mild tantrum yesterday. She was acting bratty towards her Yaya, who merely told her to wait a few minutes while she folded the laundry, before they could resume playing. She resented being reprimanded for acting bratty and decided to take it to the next level by scattering our throw pillows on the living room floor. When I gave her the "stare", she stared back. Is feisty an understatement?

Much to my disappointment, I had to resort to pulling rank. I told her to march upstairs to the master's bedroom so she could go into a timeout. She started to cry, perhaps in an attempt to make me reconsider. Although very difficult, I had to resist the urge to give in. I was determined to make her see the error of her ways.

She sat here for the next 20 minutes or so while I watched her. Like any parent, I was so close to picking her up and forgetting all about punishing her because she was sobbing intensely. But needless to say, I had to do the right thing. Anyway, I did pick her up eventually because she was starting to fall asleep. By this time, I just felt really sorry for her and put her on the bed beside me to continue her nap (while still sobbing boo hoo!).

Corporal punishment is now being discussed here. It's ridiculous if you ask me. While I feel that there's no place for child abuse in any decent home, I think corporal punishment is a bit too much to consider. I am not a spanker. Not to say that I haven't spanked my children at all, because I have, in extreme situations. But these occasions are very rare and I drowned in guilt each time. I vowed to never make it a habit.

Disciplining our kids is perhaps the toughest part of parenting. I hate it, but someone has to do it. My motto? Hate me now, thank me later. So far, I think it's working.

Snooping around

A writer friend has asked me to answer a survey about snooping on kids, particularly on teenage kids. I have a 15 year old so I was more than willing to participate.

The main question was : do you snoop on your child. Why or why not?

My answer to that would be a resounding, THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE TO.

Sure, my girl is a typical teenager. Typically hormonal at times, typically embarrassed to be seen around me when in the company of friends, typically into things a normal teenager likes (music, the internet, her Blackberry, fashion, etc). Although it's these things that cause our arguments most of the time, I'm thankful she's pretty normal.

Parenting a teenager is probably the trickiest thing to do. Not to mention challenging, too. I have to be her friend, and at the same time remind her that first and foremost, I am her mother. I go crazy trying to be both. But I'd like to think I'm doing okay, so far.

Just recently, she came to me with a concern which we dealt with for days. It was really a reassurance that my girl still feels the need to talk to me and values my advice. So even if I was slightly rattled by the problem (isn't this so normal for a parent to feel?), deep inside I was truly grateful for the chance to be part of the solution because she chose to come to me.

It's these situations that remind me that I don't have to snoop. Atleast, not yet. I'm really praying that I won't ever have to, but that's a long shot for any parent. If the time doesn't come at all, I'll be extremely grateful. Only a serious issue can make me let go of the "no snooping" rule, so I'll continue to pray that I won't have to cross that dreaded bridge.

My advice to parents of teenagers is quite simple : keep the communication lines open. And by this, I don't mean a one-way kind of thing. Parents must also learn to listen to their children and not over-manage them. Give them a venue to speak and LET THEM SPEAK without interruption. Hard to do? Maybe. But they have a right to say what they feel. As long as they do it within reason, they should be allowed to speak for themselves. But toe the line on respect, I think that goes without saying.

Here's to all of us parents of teenagers who continue to toil while loving our roles.

Parenting is such a thankful job, so don't believe anyone who says otherwise.

We get our rewards when we look into our children's eyes and see what great persons they've become.

A happy Tuesday to all!