Reminded of My Grief

First, the much publicized death of Pastor Rick Warren's son more than a week ago. His son committed suicide, according to reports. What could be more painful than having to go through something like that? 

Next, the death of a high school friend's husband. It was so untimely and unexpected. From what I know, it was a really unfortunate accident that caused it. 

Lastly, the news that a 7-year old child, a friend's niece was diagnosed with Leukemia and needs to undergo chemotherapy (I get goosebumps when I hear that word). 

Update : Just now, I wake up to news about the Boston Marathon bombing. Terrible. I have no words and can only think of how awful it must be for all the victims and survivors.

All of these affirm one thing : that life is short. Yes, this is going to be one senti post. 

Anissa took this photo of Sabine. It was taken during the Necrological Service held for Daddy last year,
by his ABS-CBN family. 

A month to my Dad's first death anniversary, I'm suddenly facing my grief in a way that I never have since last year. I don't think I've mourned my Dad's own untimely passing properly. Three months after he passed away, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had to focus on getting better, on getting rid of the dreaded C. I simply set aside whatever sadness I was feeling over the painful loss of my father. Now that my treatments are over and I'm recovering, I have all the time in the world to mourn his death. But I still haven't. It's not that I don't feel the need to, because life just isn't the same without him and I miss him all the time, everyday. Sure, there are times when I have to deal with crying in public without warning, because I suddenly recall something about him, or see a place or thing that would remind me of him. But these moments are few and far between. Surprisingly, as opposed to what I have always thought would happen, I'm not depressed and nowhere near depression. But again, it doesn't mean I don't pine for his presence, or even his voice. At the end of each day, no matter how happy it was, I always find myself close to tears as I recite my evening prayer ... because the last thing I always tell God is to please give my Dad a big hug for me. 

The intensity varies. Sometimes, I tear up but manage to smile because I remember something about him that's funny or amusing. Other times, I'm inconsolable and I just need to let it all out. Either way, the bottom line is that he's no longer around and it's a fact I'm slowly coming to terms with. It's still painful every time I visit him in the crypt. I feel weird talking to a box with his name on it. Afterwards, I always feel a little angry that I have to leave him there. Like a kid, I am. But that's how it is. 

There's this unspoken thing between myself and my Mom. Each time we're together, we don't cry. We never agreed on this, it's just what happens. I guess it's 'cause we both know that doing that won't get us anywhere. Maybe it's also because we're both doing our best to be strong for each other, and we would rather cry and be sad by ourselves. I don't pretend to be happy when I'm with her though. My Mom is going through so much more than I can imagine --- Daddy's loss then my cancer. It's a huge burden for any wife and mother to go through such challenges. 

I'm thinking the reason I'm feeling emotional is 'cause my Dad's birthday is coming up and it's the first we'll be observing without him around. Also, Sabine is going to have a party soon and it will be the first time he won't be there to celebrate a grandchild's birthday. Many reasons to be sad and missing him even more this month. 

Funny but no matter what anyone says, it hasn't really gotten to the point where I'm absolutely comforted by the thought that he's just around and watching over all of us. I do know this is true. But maybe it's still too early and I really am not done grieving. It's only been (close to) a year. 

Hey Dad ... I know it sounds baduy and you don't like anything baduy or mushy or corny. But I know now what it means when people say, "If I could only have one last hug, the chance to hear your voice or tell you I love you one last time...". I'm not going to dwell on those thoughts though, because I'm afraid they would take me to a place I don't really want to be in. I've never been seriously angry that you were snatched away from us just like that. I've never questioned the Lord, especially because He was so quick in showing me why things had to happen the way they did. Kaya lang, I'm just so sad sometimes when I think about how long it's been since I last got an early morning text, answered a phone call, we all had Sunday dinner. It's been a year since I last heard your voice, that conversation keeps playing in my head to this day. Nakakainis!!! I miss you so much, even the times when I'd be so pikon with you kasi ang galing-galing mo mang inis. Grrrrrr. Lapit na birthday mo, walang manglilibre because you always refused to be treated. Now I know why for a change, you didn't "raise hell" when we surprised you with dinner last year and paid for it behind your back! It was to be your last ever birthday on earth! I super miss you, Daddy. I know you know how much. I'm sure God's preparing something special for you on your first birthday in heaven. I LOVE YOU. ALWAYS. FOREVER.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. - Matthew 5:4

Grief comes in waves.When a big wave hits, you cant ignore it.You surf it and ride it out. - Pastor Rick Warren

I'm Not Alone!

My recent public meltdown, the biggest and most embarrassing looney moment to date really made me feel like a total idiot. Crying in full view of happy Christmas shoppers, alone as I sat on what seemed to be the only lonely spot in a busy, happy shopping mall. Ugh. I still get weak when I think about what happened to me that afternoon. 

Upon finding out, a good friend shared this to me, an entry in the blog of Fr. Johnny Go, SJ, who happens to be a very close friend of hers. Let me share :

GRIEF REVISITED

After a series of wake Masses last week, I complained to a friend that even as a priest, I could never get accustomed to grief. It is always such a pain to visit the grieving, to embrace them in their loss, and to stand helplessly as you watch your words, no matter how carefully designed, fall flat splattering on the marble floor.

But I was talking about vicarious grief then, other people’s pain, someone else’s tears and tragedies.

Now, suddenly, last Monday, tragedy paid me a courtesy call, an unexpected and most unwelcome visit. And worse, it insisted on staying wishing to make my reacquaintance. It has been a while, after all, and I’ve almost forgotten.

The first thing I did after they collected the body was to flee. I ran to the first coffee shop I could find just to kill the time, just to hide from crowds, just to sit by myself. I thought I needed the time and space just to wrap my mind around things and/or pull myself together, whichever came first. As it turned out, neither did.

The simple fact, I kept reminding myself, is that life must go on. “So pick yourself up,” I commanded. “Move on!” And I kept thinking: “Remember, it’s not about you!”

But of course that’s exactly what grief is all about.

Grief is such a strange and underrated emotion. You can do all you want to keep a lid on it. You can try your best to keep it at arms length. You can refuse to sit down with it or listen to it, but it will just sit there unfazed. It will wait quietly by the shadow until you realize you just simply can no longer ignore its presence.

Tears come at the most mundane moments: Taking the lift, deciding on which sandwich to order, running a meeting, or simply walking and noticing what a sunny day it is. All you can really do is wait until the tears no longer surprise you.

BULLSEYE. HOMERUN. Whatever. This really helped, it made me stop doubting my sanity haha. Seriously, it is so comforting to know that what I experienced was absolutely normal, no matter how yucky it felt at the time. So maybe, that was not the last time because it's only been over 5 months. I just need to know that when it happens again, it's okay and I really shouldn't care much about where or how it takes place. The important thing is to just ALLOW it to happen. 

Chinie of the now famous (naks!) Fab After Forty has her share of what she calls the Sudden Sob Syndrome (SSS). Read her entry here.