First ever Father's Day without you

My Dearest Daddy,

It's been 4 weeks to the day God took you back to be with Him.

Today is Father's Day. It will be the first time we will be celebrating this special day without you to physically honor. But the sadness we feel from losing you recently will not (and never) stop us from remembering you on this day each year from now on. Days ago, I said to myself I did not want to celebrate it. It would be too painful to do it without you around. But that was really selfish of me. First of all, I still have N to honor, for being the kind of father that he is. Secondly, your passing shouldn't be reason to stop celebrating your fatherhood and the kind of father you were to me for 43 years. So okay, I won't be selfish. It's just not right to be.

The past 4 weeks have been very hard for us all. I guess it's weird for me to be telling you because I know that from where you are, you can see everything. In fact, you know just how difficult it's been for us because you've never really left our side. But how am I doing so far? Am I living up to your expectations? As eldest child, I know you expect so much from me at this time. I know you want me to be the glue that keeps this family together even during the toughest moments. I know you want me to be the main source of strength for Mama, Bombi and your precious grand kids. I know that despite all the pain I feel, you want me to be focused. I hope I have not disappointed you, Dad. I really have been doing my best to keep it all together.

I'm taking it one day at a time, Dad. There are good days and there are bad days. But I've made it a point to bounce back so I don't lose my footing. I cry whenever I feel like it but I wipe those tears away and immediately go back to being strong. Are you worried about me? Don't be! Although I will never ever deny that I feel so lost without you here, I will also admit that I've found strength amidst the sadness. God has been so good to me. My frequent tears don't mean I can't cope. I know I can and I know I will, because life goes on, no matter how much I'm missing you and longing for you.

Today, Sabine told me for the first time since you passed, "Mommy, I want Lolo to come back. I know I can talk to him anytime but it's not the same." All this time, I thought she was alright, too young to completely understand why you had to go. My heart ached even more when she told me this. I had to fight back the tears so she wouldn't cry too.

There are days when I just sit here and find myself in deep thought. My mind always goes back to that dreadful day in the ER. Then it hits me all over again. You're gone. People say it will get easier in time. I don't know if I'm actually looking forward to that day. All I know is that everyday without you and knowing that it will be this way from now on is a struggle.

After 44 years, you finally get to spend Father's Day with Tatay today. If only for that, I'll be happy. That ache you had all these years is gone now. I'm so sure you both will have a blast today.

Happy Father's Day, Dad. You were always my hero, you still are. I'll have to get used to looking up in the sky from now on, each time I need to greet you.

I miss you more than words could ever say.