Well, almost ...
I've been on a roller coaster ride for the past how many days and although I'm addicted to real-life thrill rides, this is one ride I'm not enjoying at all. People say I have no choice but to stay on it until I'm ready to get off. I agree. I don't want to grieve improperly because I know it will backfire one day. I want to give myself time to cry, to be bitter, to be angry. Fortunately for me, the anger and bitterness left me even before we cremated my Dad. I was angry, like anyone would be, in the situation we were put in. No goodbyes? Who wouldn't be angry about that? But I prayed so hard for God to take those feelings away. I didn't want them in my system. I wanted to be sad, not mad. Sad was more acceptable and sadness is so much easier to hold in your heart than anger.
Today, almost 2 weeks after Daddy passed, I have no anger at all. Does that mean I've accepted his (unexpected) death? Maybe. There are moments when I still find it so hard to believe that he's gone. I wait for that "good morning" text to come at around 6am everyday. I wait for him to make those phone calls to the house 3x a day to talk to the kids. I wait for him to let me know where dinner will be on Sunday.
It's a long and bumpy road I'm on but I definitely see light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just not sure when I'll get to it. God has sent so many people to be with us as we mourn. Angels on earth who have helped us deal with all the pain we feel and for that I continue to be thankful.
Hi there! I just stumbled upon your blog and can't help at all but comment ;)
ReplyDeleteI also lost my father November of 2011. If there's a way I would scrap off my memory that fateful 9am of November 21. My mother was surprised why he wasnt awake since my dad would be up at 7am the most.
She found him slumped and wouldn't respond to any of our calls, shouts.
I watched him as doctors resuscitate, intubate and other familiar scenes which I only get to watch in Greys Anatomy. I know he's GONE but how this happened when I just talked to him 2am of the same morning?! How how how???
My father was never hospitalized. Each one of us in the family has our fair share of hospitalization but dad wasn't. In fact, between my mother & father it's my mom who I always fear the most. Mom would always go to the doctor whenever he would feel something but nothing major ailment though.
Dad would always tell other people 'pag namatay ako, yung matutulog Lang tapos Hindi na magigising ayoko yung tutusukin pa ako' and clearly that exactly happened.
Days/weeks after his passing, I was in a roller coaster of emotion. I thought I was ok, next thing I find my tears rolling uncontrollably. I would always pray that this is just a nightmare & I hope God wakes me up from this misery. Clearly, it's not.
I always tell other people, I hope my dad just got sick (even a minor one at that!) so at least we know and we could somehow given him MORE love, more time and MORE of everything. I was asking GOD "why didnt you give us few hours before taking him so we could probably hug, say sorry and so he could feel our love even for one last time"? Until now I still don't understand why, but I know God has His reasons so I trust Him, someday I will.
Amongst all kinds of death, when a person left without no goodbyes, no warnings is the very hard to deal with and accept. Clearly it is, and I never thought it would happen to us.
May God comfort you in this painful moment in your lives.
God Bless you.
So sorry for your loss and thank you for your kind words.
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