I'm Not Alone!

My recent public meltdown, the biggest and most embarrassing looney moment to date really made me feel like a total idiot. Crying in full view of happy Christmas shoppers, alone as I sat on what seemed to be the only lonely spot in a busy, happy shopping mall. Ugh. I still get weak when I think about what happened to me that afternoon. 

Upon finding out, a good friend shared this to me, an entry in the blog of Fr. Johnny Go, SJ, who happens to be a very close friend of hers. Let me share :

GRIEF REVISITED

After a series of wake Masses last week, I complained to a friend that even as a priest, I could never get accustomed to grief. It is always such a pain to visit the grieving, to embrace them in their loss, and to stand helplessly as you watch your words, no matter how carefully designed, fall flat splattering on the marble floor.

But I was talking about vicarious grief then, other people’s pain, someone else’s tears and tragedies.

Now, suddenly, last Monday, tragedy paid me a courtesy call, an unexpected and most unwelcome visit. And worse, it insisted on staying wishing to make my reacquaintance. It has been a while, after all, and I’ve almost forgotten.

The first thing I did after they collected the body was to flee. I ran to the first coffee shop I could find just to kill the time, just to hide from crowds, just to sit by myself. I thought I needed the time and space just to wrap my mind around things and/or pull myself together, whichever came first. As it turned out, neither did.

The simple fact, I kept reminding myself, is that life must go on. “So pick yourself up,” I commanded. “Move on!” And I kept thinking: “Remember, it’s not about you!”

But of course that’s exactly what grief is all about.

Grief is such a strange and underrated emotion. You can do all you want to keep a lid on it. You can try your best to keep it at arms length. You can refuse to sit down with it or listen to it, but it will just sit there unfazed. It will wait quietly by the shadow until you realize you just simply can no longer ignore its presence.

Tears come at the most mundane moments: Taking the lift, deciding on which sandwich to order, running a meeting, or simply walking and noticing what a sunny day it is. All you can really do is wait until the tears no longer surprise you.

BULLSEYE. HOMERUN. Whatever. This really helped, it made me stop doubting my sanity haha. Seriously, it is so comforting to know that what I experienced was absolutely normal, no matter how yucky it felt at the time. So maybe, that was not the last time because it's only been over 5 months. I just need to know that when it happens again, it's okay and I really shouldn't care much about where or how it takes place. The important thing is to just ALLOW it to happen. 

Chinie of the now famous (naks!) Fab After Forty has her share of what she calls the Sudden Sob Syndrome (SSS). Read her entry here.