Thursday, November 8, 2012

I'm Not Alone!

My recent public meltdown, the biggest and most embarrassing looney moment to date really made me feel like a total idiot. Crying in full view of happy Christmas shoppers, alone as I sat on what seemed to be the only lonely spot in a busy, happy shopping mall. Ugh. I still get weak when I think about what happened to me that afternoon. 

Upon finding out, a good friend shared this to me, an entry in the blog of Fr. Johnny Go, SJ, who happens to be a very close friend of hers. Let me share :


After a series of wake Masses last week, I complained to a friend that even as a priest, I could never get accustomed to grief. It is always such a pain to visit the grieving, to embrace them in their loss, and to stand helplessly as you watch your words, no matter how carefully designed, fall flat splattering on the marble floor.
But I was talking about vicarious grief then, other people’s pain, someone else’s tears and tragedies.
Now, suddenly, last Monday, tragedy paid me a courtesy call, an unexpected and most unwelcome visit. And worse, it insisted on staying wishing to make my reacquaintance. It has been a while, after all, and I’ve almost forgotten.
The first thing I did after they collected the body was to flee. I ran to the first coffee shop I could find just to kill the time, just to hide from crowds, just to sit by myself. I thought I needed the time and space just to wrap my mind around things and/or pull myself together, whichever came first. As it turned out, neither did.
The simple fact, I kept reminding myself, is that life must go on. “So pick yourself up,” I commanded. “Move on!” And I kept thinking: “Remember, it’s not about you!”
But of course that’s exactly what grief is all about.
Grief is such a strange and underrated emotion. You can do all you want to keep a lid on it. You can try your best to keep it at arms length. You can refuse to sit down with it or listen to it, but it will just sit there unfazed. It will wait quietly by the shadow until you realize you just simply can no longer ignore its presence.
Tears come at the most mundane moments: Taking the lift, deciding on which sandwich to order, running a meeting, or simply walking and noticing what a sunny day it is. All you can really do is wait until the tears no longer surprise you.

BULLSEYE. HOMERUN. Whatever. This really helped, it made me stop doubting my sanity haha. Seriously, it is so comforting to know that what I experienced was absolutely normal, no matter how yucky it felt at the time. So maybe, that was not the last time because it's only been over 5 months. I just need to know that when it happens again, it's okay and I really shouldn't care much about where or how it takes place. The important thing is to just ALLOW it to happen. 

Chinie of the now famous (naks!) Fab After Forty has her share of what she calls the Sudden Sob Syndrome (SSS). Read her entry here


  1. It's ok, Patty. The first Christmas after losing a loved one is the hardest. Christmas for Pinoys is a big thing. It means good times with the family. I guess, that's why when you lose a family member, you'll feel the sadness most during Christmas. I didn't think I was gonna be able to go through Christmas day the year my dad died, but I did. The following year, mom passed away. Another Christmas to bear. Surprisingly, I got through it ok.

    You don't have to feel bad about your meltdown. It's very, very normal and healthy too. Don't worry about what other people think.

    It'll get better in time. No worries. :-)

  2. Awwww...thanks for the touching message. It's going to be one heck of a challenge. My bday is coming up too. I miss him every second of the day and I cry everytime I feel the need to, just to release.

    I'm so sure it will get better in time, Len. Thanks again.

  3. You're very much welcome! Happy birthday in advance! :-) From time to time, you'll be bombarded by intrusive thoughts about your dad's passing. Just let it in and deal with it. The more you resist, the harder it gets. Hang in there! If you need to vent out, I'm free 2X/week...preferably for coffee. Hehe

  4. Coffee not a bad idea! :)