Hopefully the last...

Note: Here's why I didn't get to blog at all last Thursday and Friday. Lifted from my MULTIPLY site.

Warning...this may seem like a major rant fest I'm about to get into. I'm getting sick and tired of having to deal with bad news, but that's just what I've had to do lately. So I'm really really really hoping I won't have to do this again. But really...my purpose for writing these thoughts down is to share not just my hurts but more importantly, the lessons I've learned. Hopefully, when you find yourselves in desperate situations you too will face the music with eyes wide open so you can see that GOOD things CAN happen in the WORST situations.

WHEN IT RAINS, IT POURS...I've lived and breathed these words in the past weeks. Inspite of it all, I've managed to stay upbeat. It's hard especially when all you want to do is break down and cry. But I've had to stay strong, not just to preserve my own sanity (or what's left of it) but to make sure that Neal gets all the support he can get from me. After all, what other kind of support can I offer? Definitely not financial because I've been out of work for more than a year now. And frankly my dears...I would rather be able to contribute financially. Emotional support is so much more difficult to share when times are tough.

Just when I thought the storm had passed --- BAM!!! It happened just the other day and we were both caught offguard. No more details please. Too painful to recall. I'm just writing about it now because I want to make sure that I can read back on my experience in the future when all's well. Doing so may bring back some of the hurt but I want it to remind me of what it was like so I can keep my feet firmly on the ground and tell myself again that I was once on the losing end and I know what it's like.

For as long as I can remember, I've always lived by the golden rule. I strongly believe in the rules of karma, which is why I always make a conscious effort to not step on anyone's toes, even if it sometimes means having to sacrifice my personal interests. I always tell myself...it's okay, it will all come back to you tenfold, the sacrifice will pay off and a reward in some other form will present itself when the proper time comes. It's worked very well for me, especially in a society where people are so caught up with trying to be better than the next person. I'd rather be unpopular but know in my heart I haven't done anything to hurt anyone intentionally.

This recent painful experience I'm referring to has a lot to do with BETRAYAL. I'm a Scorpio and if there is one thing you don't want to do to a Scorpio like me is to stab us in the back. We're very trusting, extremely understanding and patient. I may appear to be tough on the outside but I'm nothing more than your regular softie. I cry about everything. I cry when I'm angry, happy and sad. If you ask for my forgiveness with all sincerity, I have no problem accepting. But the one thing I can never ever accept is betrayal, most especially when it's done so underhandedly that it literally puts me in a temporary state of shock. Once I recover from that, there is no turning back.

Amazingly though, inspite of this long streak of bad luck, I still have so much to be thankful for. It's really true. GOD doesn't sleep. He works doubletime even in the face of adversity. Sure He throws you nasty curveballs every now and then but He makes sure it's all worth it for you. How can being betrayed by someone so close to us be a worthwhile experience? Well...we may have lost a lot by going through this experience (materially and otherwise), but the gain far outweighs the losses. We've gained nothing monetary. In fact, nothing tangible at all. And although it may be hard to see the benefits at a time when there seems to be very little to be happy about, God made sure I saw everything clearly.

I THANK MY FAMILY : my Dad and Mom and my brother, for being my most loyal supporters. They have stood by us and never left. Their concern doesn't stop with me, it spills over to Neal as well and that is something I'll always be grateful for.

MY BESTFRIENDS whom I haven't been spending time with lately but who, at the single touch of a button on my mobile phone, were immediately there to lend an ear and a shoulder to cry on.

MY CLOSE FRIENDS AND COFFEE-MATES. I haven't been able to join our regular coffee dates but thanks to technology, I'm able to keep in touch via e-mail. Even if I don't see them, I feel their concern like a warm blanket wrapped around me. Their words of comfort and wisdom never fail to make me feel better.

OTHER FRIENDS whom I did not ask or expect at all to come to my aid but didn't wait to be asked (these people know who they are). I call them my "impromptu" blessings. It is so heartwarming to know that there are those who are more than willing to take friendship to a higher level without expecting anything in return. These people simply amaze me!

MY KIDS who remain to be my primary source of strength. They're perfectly healthy and happy and to me, that is the biggest most important blessing I can receive.

THE LITTLE SURPRISES that came unexpectedly the other day. Sudden calls from my headhunter friends, telling me of job prospects which they feel I am so right for. How wonderful is that? There I was, right in the middle of a crisis and I got not just one but TWO calls about work. God really has His ways.

NEAL...my other source of strength. He is just as weak and depressed as I am at the moment but I thank him for being there just the same. There's nothing like knowing that there is someone who can help you carry your burdens. Years ago I would have been alone in all of this but now, I have him. This is a partnership and this crisis helped me see the true value of being in one.

The heaviness in my heart hasn't really left me completely. Atleast not yet. It's all still pretty fresh. In fact, something happened tonight that made all the pain and anger rush back. I guess it's normal and only time will heal everything. I'm trying my best to look beyond all the negative feelings and begin to move forward because now I'm almost sure things can only get better. I know because I can feel it in my bones!

And on a final note, here are a few words which my dear Dad shared with me today via SMS:

In the end, what would matter is not what you bought but what you built; not what you got but what you gave; not your success but your significance; not what you learned but what you taught; not your competence but your character; and not how long you will be remembered but for what. CHOOSE TO LIVE A LIFE THAT MATTERS.

If you can't have the best of what you want, learn to make the best of what you have. Happy people are thoe who don't have many things in life, but they know how to make the best of the few things they have.