Tuesday, August 14, 2012

What now?

This was the first thing that popped in my mind yesterday, as I sat inside my OB-Gyne's clinic. After waiting a few hours for her to arrive from surgery in another hospital, she took one look (and feel) at the lump I found in my left breast and said to me, "This is big. Let's do a biopsy."


I studied her facial expression and started to panic deep inside. I knew I had to be concerned when I found the lump, but wasn't really ready for anything else after that. I asked as many questions as I could, despite how rattled I felt at that precise moment. N quietly listened as I did. My doctor said, there is no telling what it is until the biopsy is done. That was expected. She then wrote a referral and asked me to see a breast surgeon next. The surgeon will be able to answer the more specific questions I have. 

It's not the biopsy that scares me. I know it's a routine procedure and a lot of women have had it done. Although I'm ashamed to admit it, because it speaks of how easily-shattered my faith can be, I was afraid of the not-so-good possibilities. In the car going home, I stared out the window and cried. It was N who knocked sense back into me and told me to just trust in the Lord and not let my emotions overwhelm me. 

The minute I got home, I opened my laptop so I could Google. I also wanted to prevent Sabine from seeing that my eyes were red from crying. By the time Anissa got home, I was feeling much better (also because I forced myself to nap so I wouldn't have to think so much). But I didn't stop reading until late last night. After a while, I ended up feeling more rattled. So I closed my laptop and prayed again. 

I'm seeing the breast surgeon this afternoon. There will be more to write about after that. 

The prayer I've been saying repeatedly since I got up this morning. 

Wishing everyone a good week.

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